The Huge Disconnect (Between Religion and Life)
“Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment” (John 7:24).
Recently, the Orlando Sentinel replaced “Dear Abby” with “Ask Amy.” On February 15th, 2012, they published a column with the optimistic title, “Parents May Go for ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’” A graduate student wrote in with a dilemma. She was about to complete the work on her degree in one part of the country and would then move to the city where her boyfriend and his family are. She writes: “We're planning to live together with our two dogs.” Well, that certainly sounds heartwarming and homey, doesn’t it? The only problem is that marriage is not a part of the picture, which is not a problem with her. She explains:
The trouble is that my boyfriend's parents do not approve of their children living with a significant other before marriage. They are wonderful people and have been nothing but welcoming to me, but in their conservative, Southern, Christian worldview, such an arrangement simply isn't proper.
While this is a clever “spin” on events, how about stating the matter the way it really is? Without the spin, the paragraph should read as follows:
The trouble is that my boyfriend's parents do not approve of their children living in fornication with someone outside of marriage. They are wonderful people and have been nothing but welcoming to me, but in their conservative, Southern, Christian worldview (which I do not share), such an arrangement simply isn’t proper.
May it be kindly suggested that the “trouble” is not with the boyfriend’s parents but with the fact that this couple wants to practice immorality. He has known all his life that his parents have believed in marriage versus immorality and that any other arrangement is wrong, according to the Scriptures. The parents have not changed; the son is rejecting their values.
So why is it that the “trouble” is the parents? If we put just a little bit of our spin on that paragraph, it would read as follows:
The trouble is that my boyfriend's parents do not approve of their children living in fornication with someone outside of marriage. They are wonderful people, considering that they are religious fanatics, and have been nothing but welcoming to me, but in their conservative (and we all know how close-minded that is), Southern (not at all enlightened like us elites in the Northeast), Christian worldview (you know, those who are bitterly clinging to their religion and their guns), such an arrangement simply isn’t proper (they live in an old-fashioned culture of the South).
However, sarcasm aside, the writer has made this a cultural issue and a family practice more than a Biblical issue. The crux of the matter is not what is “proper” or acceptable in any particular culture, nor is it even about what parents think. What matters is what God our Creator thinks. It does not make any difference whether people live in the South or the North, the East, or the West. It matters not whether it is in Ghana, Indonesia, Kiev, or on a Pacific island. The Word of God is designed for all nations and all peoples at all times and in all places. God gave the gospel to the whole world. Fornication is defined for everyone as having sexual relations outside of marriage (wedlock), and it is a sin that is condemned repeatedly throughout the Bible
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Heb. 13:4).
Living in fornication, if not repented of (which includes a discontinuation of the practice), will cause both participants to be judged by God. The guilty will not be allowed to enter heaven.
But outside are dogs and sorcerers and sexually immoral and murders and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie (Rev. 22:15).
Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience, in which you also once walked when you lived in them (Col. 34:5-7).
Anyone who believes that the Bible is inspired of God and our only authority for righteous living could not possibly want to enter into a relationship that will incur God’s wrath.
Easter
The letter-writer continues by saying that she and her boyfriend will be spending Easter with his family, and things could get awkward if she is asked what her living accommodations will be when she graduates and moves to the area. She wants to know if the boyfriend should talk to his parents beforehand and tell them about their decision to live outside of marriage and that “we'd like them to respect that.”
Is this a joke? No, she is, unfortunately, so callous as to be serious. Easter is a day regarded in the boyfriend’s family as a religious holiday that recognizes that Jesus was raised from the dead, thus giving all mankind hope for forgiveness of their sins, such as fornication (if they will repent of them). She is hoping that this whole matter of their decision to casually live in fornication can somehow be swept under the rug beforehand so as not to interfere with their religious observance. Is this nutty or what? How can she sound so blasé about the whole thing? She seems to be entirely clueless that this kind of sinful arrangement should be dispensed with in time for what his family believes is a religious holiday. [Those who know the Bible know that Easter was never commanded by Jesus or the apostles as a yearly observance.] If the boyfriend had any guts, he should go to his parents and say something like this:
“Mom and Dad, although you raised me to be a moral person, I have decided that I do not want to be one. My girlfriend and I just want to ignore the Bible and live the way we choose to. We don’t feel a need for God in our lives or obeying anybody’s rules but our own. We don’t see anything wrong with doing something that God specifically forbade. We think we know better than God and you. So that’s the way it’s going to be. You can either accept or reject our decision.”
If a true Christian were put in that position, he ought to respond by saying:
“What you have decided to do is wrong. You were taught that it is wrong. If you are committed to turning your backs on God and us, then go ahead, but do not ask for our blessing, for you cannot have it. We will always love you, but we cannot condone or fellowship in any way the sin you intend to commit. If that seems harsh, just remember that this is your decision, and you must live with the consequences. We will pray that you repent and, like the prodigal son, come to your senses.”
If the family are truly Christians, they should withdraw fellowship from their son (1 Cor. 5:11).
The woman had some other options, however, besides the first one. She wanted to know if she should be part of the conversation, or if the boyfriend might just mention it casually and hope his parents didn’t “blow up.” Her boyfriend’s brothers both lived with their girlfriends prior to marriage but they did not inform the parents. Should they too therefore adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy? The letter is signed, “Soon to Be Cohabiting,” although “Soon to be Living in Fornication” would be more appropriate.
So what kind of advice did Amy give? Occasionally, in her columns, Amy comes up with some good advice, but this is not one of those occasions. She advises that the boyfriend should tell his parents the truth a long time before Easter. Then the topic could be avoided at “Easter dinner.” In this way the parents could pretend that “a fact is not a fact.” Well, isn’t that special? Should they do the same thing if their son confides that his main means of support in life comes from robbing other people? Should they just ignore the fact at Easter dinner if he confides that she paid her way through graduate school by selling cocaine and that she might supplement their income now in the same way? “Oh, but that’s silly. Those things are illegal.” True, but they also violate the Scriptures, and that is the subject of this column.
Amy goes on to say that the letter-writer may be in for a hard time if his parents have to use anger and fear to control their son. It is not about controlling him; it is about getting him to see his sin. Parents are willing to make enormous sacrifices for their children, even laying down their lives for them. It would break any parent’s heart to see a child turn away from the truth. But there is one thing they cannot do. They cannot pretend that everything is fine and that the sin does not exist. They cannot remain silent and pretend that nothing is wrong. They have little choice but to call upon the child to repent.
Amy never indicates that the woman writing for advice might have a problem, but it is evident to some of us. Her attitude is precisely what is wrong with many in our culture: she assumes that people disconnect their religious beliefs from daily behavior! They think it is fine for a person to live in fornication or in adultery and try to be a Christian at the same time—as if the two are not connected. Or they think that everyone else must accept those situations, as if they did not exist. The fact is that too many people ignoring sin is what has made society the mess it is in today. No one wants to be the one to stand up and say, “This behavior is wrong!” Few are willing to risk being called judgmental or hypocrites because they actually have Biblical standards that they try to live by. No, everyone is supposed to say nothing about sinful acts and just pretend that everything is fine.
Such attitudes are not Biblical. And those who have adopted the way of cowardice have failed to make some key observations. Have they never noticed that John the Baptizer’s first words were, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” (Matt. 3:2)? Did they never read that Jesus preached the same message (Matt. 4:17)? Have they never heard the words of Jesus, “I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish” (Luke 13:3)? Are these words too difficult to understand?
Those who do not care about God and feel comfortable about the prospect of living in eternal torment can behave any way they like. Those who would like to enjoy eternity with God, however, must attempt to live a holy life, calling on God’s forgiveness when they fall short. Living in fornication or in adultery is not making an attempt to live holy; it is the way of rebellion, death, and hell. God did not give us the Scriptures so that we could read what’s wrong, practice it anyway, and then call ourselves “Christians.” Whoever operates by this philosophy does not see that he is involved in a huge disconnect—with reality.