The “Golden” Rule
Most faithful preachers devote a considerable amount of their time combatting error. And the reason is simple. First of all, God commanded all brethren "to contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints" (Jude 3). Second, unless brethren are well-grounded in the faith, they will fall prey to false doctrines manufactured by men, such as are reported in the Bible concerning Hymenaeus and Philetus who were teaching that the resurrection was already past (2 Tim. 2:17-18). Remarkably, those trying to spread "Realized Eschatology" (the A.D. 70 doctrine) today fall under the same condemnation. Paul wrote that those who teach other than sound doctrine are deceivers and that their "mouths must be stopped" because they "subvert whole households\\…" (Titus 1:9-11). These and many more passages explain why the need for challenging error exists.
But, while all of us must engage in defending the truth, it is possible to lose sight of the heart and essence of Christianity—such things as love (as defined in the Bible) and practicing, in connection with that, what many have come to call the "golden" rule. Many have probably seen some congregations which stood firmly for the truth but lacked these crucial qualities. While we tend to think that a congregation so right in its stand for the truth could not be off the track in these other areas, God provided an example of it with Ephesus. Notice their strengths:
I know your works, your labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles, and are not, and have found them liars (Rev. 2:2).
What could possibly be wrong with a congregation fitting that description? They were strong for the truth, but they had left their "first love," needed to repent, and "do the first works" (2:4-5). Commentaries suggest several ideas as to where the church here was deficient, but the point is that they were strong in some areas but weak in what Jesus considered a vital area.
The Fundamentals
Although sound doctrine is important, so is the way brothers and sisters treat one another. Every Christian must submit himself to thinking about daily matters and relationships with one another in certain ways that we cannot lose sight of.
1. Do my actions express love for others, or are they selfish (Matt. 7:12; John 13:34-35)?
2. When a conflict arises, am I concerned about what is best for all—or just getting my own way? In other words, are my will and actions good for the church or simply good for me?
3. Do I regard my brother as my enemy instead of one for whom Christ died? Paul warns about "biting and devouring one another" (Gal. 5:15).
4. If one Christian has something against a brother or a sister, he is first of all to go to that individual to see if the issue can be resolved. (Matt. 18:15-17).
5. If I know that someone has something against me, do I seek them out to discuss the situation or refuse to talk to them?
Various Applications
A Congregational Conflict
Suppose that a brother proposes an idea that he thinks is absolutely wonderful. Just as the men of the business meeting are on the verge of accepting the plan, one brother throws a monkey wrench into the project. Soon the other men begin looking at the proposal from his perspective instead of the one who first presented the idea. The men easily vote against this project. The man who put the matter before the men is disappointed. And it doesn't help that the initial objector to the good work tends to be negative most of the time. Now how should the brother of the defeated proposal react?
Of course, he is disappointed because the idea that was shot down was his. And the one who led the charge against him probably did not act out of the best of motives. Should he pout? Should he vow to get even? Should he regard the one who led the opposition as an enemy? No, he should desire what is best for the congregation. He should evaluate the entire situation. Was the objection legitimate? Is there a counter-proposal that would solve that problem? Could the original idea be modified? Whether or not the man who challenged him had the right motive is beside the point. What is best for the church? If no changes can be made to remedy the objection, the idea should be dropped, and the originator of it should move on to something else. He must not regard that certain brother as an enemy or an adversary.
A Personal Conflict
A member of the body of Christ perceives that he has not been treated fairly by another Christian. He calls or sends an e-mail requesting a conversation concerning it (if they are separated by geographical distance). The one who has caused the problem (real or imagined) refuses to answer—despite repeated requests. Not much can be done, but the fact is that the silent brother is violating the fundamental principles stated above. The actions committed were either wrong or perceived to be wrong. Failure to communicate ensures that the former is the case.
The brother failing to respond demonstrates that he is selfish and not concerned about others—particularly the one trying to resolve the problem. Thus he expresses no love for his brother. Second, he is obviously not concerned about what is best for all—but instead only in having his own way. Third, he has apparently judged that his brother is now his enemy. Fourth, he has violated Matthew 18:15-17 by refusing to discuss the matter. Fifth, he knows that his brother has a problem that is important to him, but he will not communicate with him concerning the matter (Matt. 5:23-24). Thus, the incommunicative brother has violated the laws of love in the New Testament and the "golden" rule (not to mention common decency), as well as two specific teachings that the Lord provided to settle conflicts.
The individual in question may successfully fight against cultism, give the Baptists fits, and defend what the New Testament teaches on marriage, divorce, and remarriage, but why does he ignore the Scriptures on such fundamental matters as love and the way to treat his brothers and sisters? Such is incomprehensible. He needs to repent and discuss the matter until resolution is reached.
A Marital Conflict
A wealth of books exists on this topic, and all of them agree on the importance of communication. Oftentimes couples do not speak to each other effectively, or else they have too much of the wrong kind of communication. Hurt feelings sometimes keep husbands or wives from expressing themselves fairly to each other because emotion has been brought into it. Occasionally some time needs to elapse before mates are able to discuss a matter calmly. Here time means hours or a few days—not weeks or months.
Some marital problems may come from other family members. Both the husband and the wife (unless orphans) belong to a family. Historically, families have played an important part of events leading up to a marriage. They were often arranged between families. If that were not the case, then in many cultures a man would court a woman with the permission of her father. Later, when both decided they wanted to be married, a man would ask the father's permission; he might even pay a dowry for her, as in the case of Jacob and Rachel. He worked for her seven years, was duped by her father and ended up agreeing to work another seven years. Although he would have been justified in protesting his treatment, Jacob sought peace with Rachel's family.
Likewise, today, no one should intentionally alienate a mate's family—even if they have not behaved as they should or made unreasonable demands. No one can manufacture a different family than what he or she has. In the interest of harmony—especially if both sets of parents are Christians—sometimes sacrifices should be made. Christians should not treat others as they deserve to be treated, but as they ought to be treated.
Husbands and wives cannot ignore Biblical precepts in solving their problems. They must exhibit the characteristics of love as defined by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, also, as well as the "golden" rule. Both need to be reminded of these principles—if they are going to get past whatever problems are plaguing them—whether of their own making or those of their families.
Sensitivity Versus Arrogance
The Bible teaches that brethren should exhibit sensitivity toward each other and cooperate in reaching equitable solutions. Brethren who say such things as, "What's done is done," "Nobody can do anything about it now" (or worse, "What do you think you're going to do about it now?"), or, "Get over it," certainly have no love or compassion in their hearts for their brethren. They have forgotten entirely the "golden" rule and seem to be motivated by callousness.
The way that some brethren have treated each other is criminal (literally). Some churches have locked preachers out of their offices and either taken their personal property and set it outside the building or else stood guard to make sure they took nothing that did not belong to them. Some have violated the terms of the contract and refused to pay the 90 days' salary agreed upon even though no moral violation had occurred that might justify such actions. It seems fairly obvious conditions have deteriorated to an adversarial state.
Some have been very high-handed in their dealing with their brethren. Both elderships and preachers have been guilty of bad behavior. What all need to recognize on such occasions is that one or both parties is at fault. Sometimes it is better to be defrauded even if some brethren are guilty of great hostility and in grievous error. It should always be the prayer of the faithful Christian that those who are in error will repent. No, sometimes, they do not. They got their way and do not give those upon whom they trampled another thought. They will give an answer for that on the Day of Judgment. Those who love the Lord are only responsible for their own actions—not the response of others.
The Upshot
The church belongs to Christ. He gave the law of love by which all are to be governed. He instituted the "golden" rule. He is the one who established the pattern by which His followers are to conduct themselves. He will also judge those in His kingdom who ignore His laws, who show the arrogance of Diotrephes, and who treat their fellow citizens with contempt. The church cannot forget the principles of how to treat one another civilly, or it will not matter what else they might accomplish. We may well teach the truth on other subjects, but if we fail in our fundamental relationships with each other, we have failed, period. All brethren must be willing to discuss Scriptural matters in a kind way, possessing the qualities set forth in Galatians 5:22-23 and 2 Peter 1:5-7. Our goal should be one of conciliation—not alienation. Then we will be contending for all the truth.