Marriage Realities

“And they lived happily ever after.” You know that’s a fairy tale—because in real life marriages, although happy, also come with problems. They might involve money, in-laws, friends, or even each other. For some unfortunate souls, after the honeymoon ends, so does the marriage. At least, not long afterward. One couple remained married for 25 years, but love had ended before the first anniversary.

The first Top Forty song (1971) for Carly Simon reached the Top Ten; it was about the disillusionment of marriage. The song, “That’s The Way I’ve Always Heard it Should Be,” described failed marriages. For example, the first verse states (punctuation added):

My father sits at night with no lights on;
His cigarette glows in the dark.
The living room is still;
I walk by, no remark.
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines.
I hear her call, “Sweet dreams,”
But I forgot how to dream.

Certainly, if this is a typical night, it does not sound like a happy home. Why is he sitting in the dark when he could be watching a sports contest, or Die Hard (for the fifteenth time), or at least reruns of I Dream of Jeannie? No, he is taking a moment or two to contemplate his lot in life. He ignores his daughter, and it is obvious that he and his wife have not communicated meaningfully for some time. He is just thinking, just meditating. Is this what is called being self-absorbed?

The mother finds delight with her magazines. It may be that she will find something to talk about with her friends sometime during the week. Most of what she reads is shallow material, but she finds it more meaningful than talking to her husband. Perhaps, her relationship with her daughter is better than the father’s, but no meaningful conversation comes from tha social encounter, either.

All in all, the household—at least, from this picture—seems fairly bleak. It did not begin this way. At the beginning, being married was about being in love, being together, building a home, and providing for the children that would be born to the happy couple. What happened? How did such an idealistic dream become as hollow as a pneumatic tube?

How did this couple grow so far apart? Both have found ways of coping on their own. The other people living in the house are simply incidental. How did their life together lose all of its joy and become so boring? Did neither one make an effort to be an interesting person? Did they, like their daughter, lose their ability to dream? Did they lose the ability to love?

The second verse expands upon the concept of failed marriages.

My friends from college—they're all married now.
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not.
They hate themselves for what they are.
And yet they drink, they laugh.
Close the wound, hide the scar.

So, they have material possessions. Have they bought into the idea that material things bring happiness? Having an education, a family, and a mortgage comprise the American dream, right? But they don’t guarantee good relationships, do they? Why are the couples so mad that they cannot speak to each other civilly during the day? They cry at night and wake up angry again the next morning. Do these things come from a fundamental clash of their individual life philosophies?

The children, evidently, want more attention, more time, more guidance, but the parents fail to provide those needs. Do the parents hate themselves because they have sold out to society’s definition of what a happy home ought to be? What, exactly, are they—unhappy and wishing for an affair with someone? Or has one already occurred, likewise leaving them unfulfilled?

But socially they pretend everything is wonderful. They hide the pain they feel and numb it with alcohol—something else that society tells us is acceptable. After all, “perception” is reality. If others think we are happy, that is all that matters—isn’t it? Perhaps, they just hate themselves for being hypocrites. If they are religious (and there’s no indication of it), it is all for show, too. The last verse of the song follows.

You say we can keep our love alive.
Babe, all I know is what I see.
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris.
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf.
I'll never learn to be
Just me first, by myself.

Keeping love alive is easier said than done. Many have, apparently, had that as a goal but have not managed to succeed. Clinging and clawing sounds like mortal combat. Is there a struggle here for supremacy in the marriage? Obviously, the principles of Ephesians 5:22-25 have not been applied. It sounds as though both could sing another song—“Love’s Been a Little Bit Hard on Me.”

What is there about love that it drags people down. Love is almost characterized as an airplane that inevitably must crash—or like some medieval torture device that leaves a victim broken and shattered. Love is one of the most powerful forces on earth for good; why is it characterized so darkly? Is it love that fails—or people who fail?

Marriage is designed for two people—for an us. It’s not realistic to think, however, we will always be soaring; sometimes we find ourselves slogging through the mud. Sharing life’s hardships, however, will not necessarily destroy a marriage; sometimes, they even strengthen it. What might prove harmful is trying to control a mate. Sometimes, it’s the wife who wants her own way—and knows how to get it. But this is not healthy for the male. Sometimes, it’s the male who decides to run roughshod over his wife, which proves to be unhealthy for her.

Between smothering and laying down the law lies a place where compromises can be arranged. No woman needs to feel caged, but the idea of “me first” will not make for a happy marriage, either. Two people ought to have a measure of independence, yet be able to consider each other first, also (1 Thess. 5:15). This sounds like a paradox, but many things are. The chorus of the song follows.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own—
You and me.
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me;
We'll marry.

Does anyone give this marriage a chance to succeed? No, the same pattern expressed in the song will continue. It’s as though she can see the future but not escape it. She really doesn’t think their marriage will work, but she acquiesces because of what society expects. Particularly haunting is the final, “We’ll marry,” the tune of which descends three times. Though the sound is beautiful to the ears, it contains a final comment that marriage is nothing more than a hollow echo of what people anticipate. It’s a choice that people are doomed to seek—and fail at.

Marriage Principles

Marriage, however, is not the problem—no more than love is. God Himself is love (1 John 4:7-8), and He is not a failure. Marriage was His idea, and it is not a failure, either. If a couple fails, it is neither God, love, nor marriage that is responsible. In fact, marriage as God designed it has been perverted from the beginning. God designed one woman for one man for life. God did not create Eve and Marsha and Rhonda and bring them to Adam. Yet it only took until Genesis 4 for a man to introduce the practice of polygamy (seven generations from the Creation). How many others followed suit? And when was the first divorce? Chances are it was before the Flood.

First of all, love thinks of others. Where would anyone be if God had not put our needs above His own interests? He could have said, “You disobeyed me in violating My will—in sinning. Well, you made your bed—now lie in it.” Instead, He determined to give us the opportunity for salvation. However, this offer was not without cost to Him and to Jesus. To redeem us was exceedingly painful, but love caused Him to make that sacrifice (Rom. 5:8).

Does the husband attempt to put the wife first? Does the wife attempt to put the husband first? Selfishness does not work very well in a relationship. Both parties must compromise in areas of opinion. A mate is for a lifetime—all lesser things come and go.

Once, a foursome was playing golf. They were about to putt when a funeral procession drove by. One man took off his golf hat and placed it over his heart until all the vehicles passed by. One of his fellow players complimented him on his reverence and thoughtfulness. “It was the least I could do,” he insisted. “We would have been married 27 years next Monday.”

Has a husband or wife ever made a spouse feel second-rate or second best? Probably, but such an attitude cannot persist. Love seeks what is best for another—not self. The word self, when describing a husband or wife should be followed by sacrificing. The way for a marriage to work is for both to be self-sacrificing.

Second, stir in kindness and thoughtfulness. Edith Lindeman wrote a song that Kitty Callen took to number one in 1954 (the biggest song of the year)—“Little Things Mean a Lot.” Some of those things included blowing a kiss from across the room and touching her hair when he passed her chair. The last verse contains these sentiments.

Send me the warmth of a secret smile
To show me you haven't forgot.
Now and forever, that always and ever
Little things mean a lot.

One need not build the Taj Mahal for one’s wife, although that’s impressive. A woman need not buy her husband the most expensive golf clubs available. So far as we know, Adam and Eve kept their marriage together for centuries without diamonds or manufactured goods.

A third key element in a lasting marriage is commitment. Since God desired marriage to be permanent (Matt. 19:6), each couple entering into it must share the same view. Couples may hurt and wound each other, but finding someone else is not an option. Anyone who enters into marriage thinking there may be a way out if expectations of happiness are not met has the wrong concept to begin with. The only way a divorce can occur is if one spouse commits fornication. Even that situation might be forgiven; many marriages have survived this breach of trust. As long as marriage involves human beings, trials will occur, but they can be overcome. God designed marriage to endure.