Marriage, Divorce, and Forgiveness
“Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment” (John 7:24).
Do actions have consequences? In truth, they do. Before God, they do. As for society, people seem to be all too willing to forget the past—not just the distant past, but the recent past. Particularly is this the case with the frequent divorces that occur today and the subsequent marriages that often succeed them. The following situation comes from an “Ask Amy” column, which appeared in the Orlando Sentinel on November 15, 2013. A woman wrote in to lament the treatment of her husband’s children toward them since they were “married” (D7).
The two of them met at work. She was already divorced with one child. She did not specify the reason for the divorce; it may or may not have been for Scriptural reasons. He was married and about to celebrate his 25th anniversary. She said that he was miserable but “pretended everything was great for the sake of the kids….” Whoa! Why was he pretending everything was great? Why did he not tell his wife the way he felt? Why did he not seek counseling in order to improve their relationship? Marriage enrichment seminars are held all the time.
According to the female writer, “Cupid struck us both hard and fast; we felt we had finally met our soul mates.” Really? And how long did that take? Was it a few weeks around the water cooler, or did they spend some time together outside of the “work” environment? How interesting that so many details are omitted! Did they fight back against Cupid when he struck them or give in readily? How forceful does Cupid need to be with a man going through a mid-life “crisis” and a woman divorced? Even those in good marriages sometimes become “smitten” by their own lusts, which is more accurate than blaming a mythological person (James 1:12-15). Many in the workplace have engaged in “affairs” even if they did not go so far as to actually obtain a divorce. The next sentence in the column is brief: “He left his wife and moved in with me.”
Where do the Scriptures authorize this behavior? Had his wife committed adultery (Matt. 19:9)? If not, he was not at liberty to marry anyone. Had she divorced her first husband because of adultery? If not, then she was not authorized to enter into another marriage, either. To make matters worse, he moved in with her instead of with a male friend; thus they probably were committing fornication, which gave his wife a Scriptural reason to divorce him.
Having glossed over all of the pertinent details, the letter writer then says, “We married and made a fresh start.” How optimistic! How appropriate is it, with a wronged wife and three teenagers in shock (because he pretended their mother and he had a perfect marriage), to start humming, “Love Is In The Air”? Those who are bruised, wounded, and hurting probably do not feel as if they are part of a “fresh start.” If all of our actions occurred in a vacuum and did not affect the lives of others—innocent parties—then everything would be as rosy as some imagine it to be. But we live in a world where actions have consequences.
The letter writer admits that his children are “upset to their core,” but then asks if they do not, “at some point,” need “to live their faith and find it in their hearts to forgive?” Notice how easy it is for the one in the wrong to think that everyone should forgive her. Would this not be analogous to saying, “Sure, I stole $10,000 from you, but I have made a fresh start; how long are you going to hold the past over me?” The answer is, “Hey, I’m willing to forgive you as soon as you return my ten grand.” The letter writer is not interested in returning the money (the other woman’s husband). She wants to keep the cash, have everyone forget about it, and continue on her merry way. “But a person is not property,” someone protests, which is true. Moses, however, said that a man can covet a person just as he does property. The wife is listed between a neighbor’s house and his manservant (Ex. 20:17).
The fact is that the letter writer coveted another woman’s husband—and now has him, but according to the Scriptures she is not entitled to have him. Herod and Herodias left their mates and tried to make a fresh start, also, but John said that what they had done was not lawful. As far as God was concerned, she was still his brother Philip’s wife (Mark 6:17-18).
Three or four years have gone by, and the woman’s children still want nothing to do with her. They are pretty much ignoring their father as well. Her question is what should she do? Returning the money comes to mind. The fact is that she is married to another woman’s husband and is living in adultery. The only acceptable remedy is to repent, which means to quit living with the man. The only other course of action is to live with the consequences of her actions, which means the continual scorn of his children and a fearful anticipation of the judgment (Rev. 21:8). She and many others like her will someday face the eternal consequences that await the immoral (Rev. 21:8).
Amy’s counsel ignores what the Scriptures teach altogether, which is not surprising since columnists like her usually follow the wisdom of the age rather than the truth of God. Her solution was to have her husband continue to reach out to his children—to “explicitly ask for their forgiveness.” As for the letter writer, she advises her to “work to forgive them for being so hurt, damaged and angry.” One thing is clear—Amy has no understanding at all of Biblical forgiveness. She thinks they should keep the $10,000 and be forgiven anyway.
It apparently does not occur to Amy that the children may be acting out of other motives than being hurt or wanting vengeance. They may be prompted by the Biblical motive of encouraging someone to give up their sin. Their “faith” was alluded to. Perhaps they understand that they cannot condone in any way the actions of their father. Are the children supposed to smile as if nothing had happened, glory in their father’s “fresh start” when he undoubtedly knew better to begin with, and accept the fact that he is living in adultery? How can anyone extend blessings to that arrangement?
The children should say, “Dad, we love you and are ready to forgive all of the hurt and damage you have inflicted on us as soon as you repent and leave the unauthorized relationship that you are in.” And if he values his soul and that of the woman he is living with in adultery, he would do what the Scriptures teach. Who knows? The letter writer might even find someone soul-mate-ier than him (if indeed she is entitled to be married at all).
As long as people keep approving of the type of immorality described in this letter, society will never improve. Even if no one else does, Christians must hold to what the Scriptures teach concerning marriage, divorce, repentance, and forgiveness. Human beings do not get to invent their own moral system, which seems right to them—but only leads to death (Pr. 14:12).