Ask Amy?
“Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment” (John 7:24).
For many years, newspapers have published advice columns. “Dear Abby” and “Dear Ann Landers” ran for several decades. When they began, their advice usually (but not always) coincided with the Biblical principles taught in the Scriptures. But as society changed, their advice loosened from the moral moorings to which they had once been attached. Both of these ladies who actually did help people most of the time are now gone, and there is a new generation writing advice to young people. Their counsel often reflects the thinking of the culture rather than any objective guideline that comes from above. Many of the answers seem off the mark, but this recent column was most objectionable. Below is the question as published.
DEAR AMY: I am a 17-year-old girl in high school. I have a loving boyfriend of nine months, and we have a safe and healthy sexual relationship. His parents know and accept this. I have been debating whether to tell my parents.
They have expressed that they do not support premarital sex, and they would force me to stop seeing my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend, but I also want to respect my parents’ wishes and honor their trust. Is it better to keep mum, since we understand the implications and consequences of sex, or should I be honest despite my parents’ potential reaction?
Anyone reading this letter ought to be outraged at the actions of this girl for the following reasons.
1. Since she is 17, she probably began this relationship when she was 16. Why would she even consider such a thing at that age? She does not seem to be contemplating marriage. She was taught by her parents that sex before marriage is wrong; so she has deliberately violated what she knows to be the principles they live by. How ungrateful is that?
2. She has a “loving” boyfriend. Right! He is “loving” the fact that he is getting what he wants for free. How loving will he prove to be if she does become pregnant? And don’t you wish you had a dollar for every girl who was deserted and through her tears told a responsible adult (not Amy), “But he said he loved me”? When will young girls ever realize that guys have been using that line for millennia? There was a number one song thirty years ago in which the singer, a guy, admits to this kind of thinking.
Dexy’s Midnight Runners took “C’mon Eileen” to number one in 1983. For one week it interrupted Michael Jackson’s reign of “Billy Jean” atop the charts for seven weeks followed by “Beat It” for three weeks. The words of one verse are:
These people round here
wear beaten down eyes
Sunk in smoke dried faces
they're so resigned to what their fate is,
But not us, no not us
we are far too young and clever.
Yes, and every girl probably knows other young women who have been jilted after giving in, but that won’t happen to her. She is far too clever. She knows him and understands him. What they have is different and better than anyone else. No one since Romeo and Juliet have ever been in love like they are. Parents wouldn’t understand—even their friends cannot comprehend such true love.
The song reveals the truth of the matter from the guy’s perspective when he encourages her to give in:
“Come on Eileen,
I swear (well he means)
At this moment you mean everything….
So she trusts what he tells her and does not find out until later that he has been using her. Advice columnists once pointed out such things as, “If he really loves you, he won’t mind waiting,” or, “If he is making demands that you can’t fulfill, he is acting out of selfishness—not love.” The girl who readily gives in will be wiser soon—at great expense. He will either impregnate her (at that age it happens frequently despite precautions), or he will eventually want a new playmate. Relationships must be built on a foundation stronger than carnal desire.
3. She believes their sexual relationship is safe and healthy. What will she think about safety if she is suddenly with child? What will she think if she develops an STD? Imagine that! He hasn’t been faithful to her. But then what binding commitment did they have? One can almost hear him say, “Well, it’s not like we’re married or anything.”
4. “His parents know and accept this.” His parents are not very bright (if this is true), and perhaps it runs in the family. If they began this “loving” relationship when she was 16, he could be charged with statutory rape, depending on the state. These laws have been watered down from what they once were, however. That two adults would approve of their son’s behavior in this case reveals a great deal about their ineptness as parents. He should have been told by them in no uncertain terms, “You do not treat the woman you love this way.”
5. “They do not support premarital sex.” Well, that is one way to look at it. What is she not telling us? She did not say anything about the Bible, God, or religious convictions. Apparently, these do not affect her thinking at all. But she has these old fuddy-duddy parents who might not think kindly of her choice to practice immorality. If they did derive their morals from the Scriptures, she surely knows that fact and was raised with those principles, but it seems that she cares more about the flesh than the spiritual concerns. Thus she has turned her back on the good home and upbringing that she had that was based on the Holy Scriptures.
6. It is too late to respect her parents’ wishes. She gave that up when she first began to deceive them. Now her conscience is bothering her a little. Did she ask herself if her parents think that abstinence is just a good idea and an opinion, or is this part of their fundamental values taught by God? She certainly knows the answer to that question, since she has lived with them all her life.
7. Now she wants to know if she should remain silent or be honest and risk a bad reaction? She signs her name as “Torn.” What she really wants to know is if she can persuade her parents to see things her way, and the answer is NO. Does she really think they are going to say, “Oh. That’s all right, sweetie. Would you like to have him over to spend the night?”
Chances are they will suffer hurt immediately and feel betrayed. And rightly so! How would any parents feel if they had taught their child the way of righteousness but instead she went over to the enemy, the devil? Notice, the 17-year-old has not just made a mistake, which would still cause pain but could be forgiven; she has made a life choice that directly contradicts what her parents believe.
Amy’s Awful Answer
She applauds “Torn” for having safe and healthy sex when she must know, as all other adults do, the risks already mentioned. What if there is a follow-up letter that says the “safe and healthy” deal didn’t work out, and why didn’t you warn me of the dangers instead of praising me?
Amy fails to mention what motives the “loving” boyfriend might have although, as a columnist, she must have heard that story many times before. She does not comment on Torn’s youthful age and the fact that she might not be capable of handling the situation she is in. What she does not tell the young woman speaks volumes. “Torn” should have received much better advice than she got.
However, Amy does make two good points. The first of these is that “Torn” is only comfortable telling people the situation she is in when they agree with her (as in the case of the boyfriend’s dimwitted and godless parents). If she knew that her parents did not care how she had endangered herself, she would have gladly told them, also.
But after telling her that she needs to be honest and not lie to the people who raised her, she then adds that if she thinks her parents would throw her out of the house and disown her, she should continue to lie and deceive them and not risk her own safety. Hmm. So which is better—telling the truth at all times or lying when it serves your interests? If Amy is not encouraging the practice of situations ethics, then what is she advocating? Apparently, morals are not absolute, but they may be bent, spindled, folded, and mutilated! Whatever the occasion calls for, that’s what we do—just make up our ethics as we go along.
But, Amy supposes, what if they do not throw her out but instead insist that she be celibate while she remains at home? Would she be willing to accept that condition? The fact that she has not been accepting that condition and has been deceiving her parents indicates that she is not willing to exercise that option. But why is this of great concern? Certainly, the boyfriend’s enlightened parents would not mind the “loving” couple living with them, would they? Or if they did, then maybe they would help them to move into an apartment somewhere and support them until one of them thinks of doing something practical, like getting a job before they decide to play house. Perhaps Amy should have told her that, if you want the privileges of adulthood, you must take on the responsibilities, also.
The second valid point that Amy makes is that it is time for “Torn” to face the fact that she and her parents “have different values.” This has been obvious all along. The question is, “How did that happen?” She knows the values her parents have; she is not ignorant of them. They have taught them to her. When, then, did she begin to doubt their wisdom? Was she introduced to different thinking at school? Was she taught that mankind is descended from animals and that we are just slightly more evolved than they are? Is that the reason that she has no fear of God? Has she heard the Bible denounced and Christianity mocked on television or in the classroom? Are some of her friends engaged in the same activity that she is? Are most of the girls in her school behaving the way she is? Or did she just suddenly change her values when she got this “cool” boyfriend?
Whatever the factors involved in her decision to go contrary to the values of her home, she has reached that point and sounds quite convinced that this is the way she wants to live. She’s only seventeen, and she has already decided to distance herself from her family because of sin! How tragic!
Amy’s response closes by suggesting that, although her parents have stated their preferences, they may not really mean it. She actually advises “Torn” to feel her parents out to find out how committed they are to that view—without divulging her own. That ought to be an interesting conversation.
Better advice would be to tell “Torn” that she cannot expect her parents to approve of what she is doing, since it runs counter to the Bible. Instead, she should cease the immoral activity with her boyfriend and tell him that they can resume that part of their relationship when they are married. She should confess to him that she feels bad about behaving hypocritically. Their situation can be remedied in a fairly short period of time. She will probably learn a great deal about her boyfriend if she takes this approach; she may find out just how “loving” he really is.
Amy should have told her that, since her values differ from her parents, a person of integrity would recognize that discrepancy but abide by their beliefs while they are paying for her education, her clothes, her food, and her dwelling place. If she cannot abide by their terms, she should be honest enough to seek some other arrangement. Her parents should not be forced to support an immoral lifestyle. Also, it just may be the case that her parents might hear of her activities from a third party. What if the boy’s parents decided it was time they knew the truth?
These are just a few things that could have been written but were not. If the answer this advice columnist gave was the best she could do, she leaves a lot to be desired. Readers do not always expect the advice to be Biblical, but it should at least be practical. Hopefully, none of our teens will experience this dilemma, but for other problems they might not want to Ask Amy.